


Touch

by viirus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Dark Harry, Dumbledore Bashing, Gen, Haphephobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Manipulative Dumbledore, Mental Instability, Mild Language, Mysophobia, Panic Attacks, Psychological Trauma, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2016-01-27
Packaged: 2018-05-16 16:57:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5833360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viirus/pseuds/viirus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once there was a boy named Harry James Potter, who played the part of the Wizarding World’s hero. He was strong, he was brave, and he conquered all the monsters he faced because he was their savior and it was expected of him to do so. Here there is a boy named Harry who is sorted into Slytherin, who is terrified of touch, and who doesn’t want to save anyone because he can’t even save himself. This Harry here isn’t a hero, but he has definitely faced monsters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Touch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own anything. || Harry Potter © J.K. Rowlings
> 
> I'm not British and I didn't want to (attempt to) incorporate the proper British slang because I knew I'd butcher the hell out of it and eh- I couldn't be bothered. So sorry about that, but it'd probably sound god-awful if I tried anyways since I can barely even work out proper English.

**I'm Not Sure I'm Ready Yet...** **  
**... _to find out the hard way how strong I am._

* * *

From a young age Harry Potter quickly learned that the world was not fair.  
Oh sure the adults in school all preached about sharing, kindness, and fairness to the ignorant and easily influenced children, but Harry knew better.

Harry was not born self-sufficient,  
...he was forced to be.

_How is it fair that he was forced to grow up before he was even considered a grown-up?_

He remembers the night the green light killed a red-headed woman,  
...a woman he assumed to be his mother.

_How is it fair that he remembers such traumatizing memory?_

He feels pain everyday when Dudley and his friends gang up on him before school, during school, after school -  
kicking him, punching him, hitting him, and even spitting on him.

_How is it fair that he, an innocent child who has done no wrong, is forced to become a punching bag for a bully - his own cousin?_

Dudley broke his new toy again,  
_"Dad, the freak broke my new toy again!"_

Dudley knocked over Petunia's expensive vase,  
_"Mom the freak knocked over your expensive vase!"_

_How is it fair that everything is always his fault even when he knows it isn't?_

_How is it fair that he's always getting punished for wrong doings he didn't even commit?_

When Harry was eight years old Vernon took Harry to one of his colleagues homes and let them touch him in exchange for cash,  
this happened more than just a couple times and Harry developed Haphephobia and lost all his facial expressions outside of apathetic and fear.

So no the world wasn't _fair_ and Harry was more than _just_ aware of this.

\- o -

_Harry was pretty._

_"Are you a guy or a girl? ...or maybe a faggot?"  
_

_Androgynous even._

_"Maybe we should check."_

_"Don't..." his protests fall upon deaf ears._

_**Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Don't touch me.** _

_Large hands pinned him down,_  
_His heart rate accelerated.  
_

_They forgot he had feet._

_**Get... Off... Of... Me-** _

_"Ow! Dammit the bitch kicked me! I told you to hold him down!"  
_

_Hands grabbed his ankles, spreading apart his legs,_  
_His mouth became dry and his body began to tremble._

_**I'm going to puke.** _

_Dizzy, he's dizzy and he can't see straight.  
Magic fixed his eyesight, but it can't fix this feeling._

_"He looks like he's about to fucking puke."_

_"If you get sick now I swear to god I'm going to fucking kill you."_

_**Don't cry. Calm down. Swallow. It'll be over soon if you just breathe.** _

_Except he couldn't breathe and their hands were still on him and he...  
...couldn't... fucking... breathe._

\- o -

Harry James Potter was a could-be magical prodigy.  
A  boy who had the potential, but was so afraid of his own magic that he  could not access it the way he should have had he been brought up in a  better situation.

Harry James Potter was a closed off boy who kept to himself.  
He  made sure to never touch anybody and to never let anybody touch him, because touching led to panic and panic led to that suffocating feeling  where hecouldn'tbreatheandeverythingjusthurthurthurthurt-

Harry was an abomination.  
He was abnormal, freakish, and different from everybody else.

He  knew this because the Dursley's told him so, and even if they hadn't he  still would have known it because he had access to magic and that was  definitely _not_ normal.

He remembers the stories from Dudley's picture books,  
the ones about royalty, dragons, and heroes. The heroes were brave, courageous, and strong.  
The heroes fought dragons with nothing but a small sword and a brave heart.

The hero always won...  
the hero was always loved.

Harry thought the ideas of heroes were stupid.

Nobody saved him when he was pushed to the ground.  
_(Harry picked himself up)_

Nobody came to his aid when Dudley's gang beat him up.  
_(Harry saved himself by fleeing whenever he had the chance)_

He didn't stand up for himself, he never fought back, he was always afraid-afraid-afraid.

Harry was no hero,  
but he had definitely faced monsters.

\- o -

Magic is not simple in any way shape or form.

Nobody really knows how it came to be nor do they know why it is only accessible to certain people.

Magic is different for and to everybody.

For some, _the purebloods_ , it is an ability given only to the best and a reason to believe themselves superior to everything and everybody else.  
_My family comes from a line of fully-magical beings, therefore I am better than you._  
(Ignore the disfigurements and squibs caused by inbreeding)

To others, _the muggle born_ , it is a new way of life, a curious _substance_ to study. A whole new society to observe and learn from.  
_I have access to magic despite the fact my family does not, therefore I should learn all I can from these people despite the fact most of their beliefs are out-dated and stupid._  
(We're being mistreated by them for not being pure of blood, ignore the fact we too look down on them for having different customs)

For Harry it was a curse, but not _just_ a curse...

_Magic made Harry abnormal. The Dursley's, a perfectly normal family, hated anything different from the norm and would smash the abnormal away; with their fists or their words it didn't matter as long as the abnormal was gone._

...to harry it was _also_ a defense mechanism.

_Harry was born with poor eyesight, Dudley liked to chase him around and beat him up whenever he caught up to the practically blind boy. His poor eyesight made him vulnerable, so magic fixed it for him._

To Harry, magic was as much a gift as it was a curse.

If he could have it his way he would have never been born with such a _gift_ ,  
...except he had been, and now he had to adapt.

So Harry unintentionally suppressed his magic, not quite afraid of it, but afraid of the reaction from others because he had it.

\- o -

In  an alternate universe, Harry James Potter was a quiet boy  who lived under a cupboard. A desperate child searching for acceptance, love, and a home. He wanted to be accepted,  he was naive enough to believe that he would be accepted.

In this  alternate universe, Harry met a red headed boy more interested in his  fame than friendship and clung to him because he was the first one to  ever show him any type kindness outside of Hagrid the half giant.

In  this alternate universe, Harry was loved as much as he was hated and he  didn't mind at all because he had his friends, his family, and he had  never been the kind of person to hold a grudge or hate.

...but this is not that alternate universe.

Harry is not a naive little boy, he has long since given up on true  kindness, he can read intentions like the back of his hand, and he is  not an easily influenced young child searching for a home.

There was no such thing as happy endings, Harry knew this from experience...  
...and that made all the difference.

\- o -

 _Mr. H. Potter ,_  
_The Cupboard under the stairs,_  
_4 Privet Drive,_  
_Little Whinging,_  
_Surrey_

 _The cupboard under the stairs._  
_The cupboard under the stairs._  
_The cupboard- cupboard-  
_ _under the stairs- under the-_

Harry's face remained apathetic as he stared down at the parchment in his hands.

Was that normal then?  
For children to live under the stairs in a cupboard?

Or did they just not care?

Harry's expression did not twitch in the slightest.

No different from the mundane,

_...how pathetic._

He glanced up into the hallway mirror,  
dead green eyes stared back at him.

Windows to the soul indeed.

\- o -

HOGWARTS SCHOOL _of_ WITCHCRAFT _and_ WIZARDRY

Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore  
_(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,  
Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)_

Dear Mr Potter,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment. Term begins on 1 September. We await your owl by no later than 31 July.

Yours sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall  
Deputy Headmistress

.

.

.

Harry watched on with dull lifeless eyes as the letters in the fireplace _**burned**_.

* * *

Haphephobia: an extremely rare severe fear of touching and/or being touched. It is not linked to social anxiety or phobias. Sometimes it is only the fear of touching and/or being touched by the opposite sex, sometimes it is only the same sex, and other times it is both. The reactions vary depending on how much trust the person with haphephobia has with the one he/she is touch/being touched by.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sept. 6 UPDATE: Haven't updated this is seven months, very sorry about that my muse randomly up and died. This story isn't abandoned however and I am currently working to update and continue this story, I am very sorry for the inconvenience and thank you for your support.


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